


orchids, as precious as her name

by anne_AI



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Also a bit of swearing, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Graphic descriptions of vomiting, Hanahaki Disease, Love Confessions, Mentions of Death, Mutual Pining, Not Beta Read, anyone spare beta reade, cause i don't have a beta reader haha, graphic descriptions of hanahaki in general, lots of instrospection, moca is a piece of shit, tomoe is an idiot and develops a terminal illness in the span of. a day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 00:59:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17193515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anne_AI/pseuds/anne_AI
Summary: The idea of love had always seemed so distant for someone like Tomoe. Being a big sister, having everyone rely on her, and always being surrounded by people she cares so deeply about, she starts to think she'd have to be okay with the fact that she might as well never experience that kind of thing in her teenage years.That is, until a certain orchid takes over her heart (and more specifically, her lungs).





	orchids, as precious as her name

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first time posting here and i can't believe it's a hanahaki fic
> 
> english is not my first language so beware for some weird ass expressions and sentence structures (also grammar mistakes that i may or may have not been bothered to check)
> 
> anyway tomoe may have a big gay crush on ran
> 
> also (already warned in the tags but again just in case!) there's pretty graphic descriptions of vomiting so be careful with that

 

 

 

Tomoe doesn’t even suspect it at first.

 

Because sure, she admits it’s been for some time now. The way her chest fills with a joy she can’t properly explain when she sees Ran smile—when she sees her content as she watches from afar, and Tomoe knows there’s nothing to worry about because, well, she’s happy. And that in a way, makes her happy as well.

 

Or also, how weirdly nervous she gets when it’s just her and Ran. How she meticulously forms the words in her head so her tongue doesn’t slip when they're talking, she wasn't ever sure if for her fear of hurting her again, or letting something out of her mouth she doesn’t want Ran to know (not that it’s something bad, she reassures herself, she asks herself exactly what it is).

 

And, this one takes a bit for her to admit, but also how for some reason she feels her heart skip an unexpected beat when Ran looks back at her in a live show. When for a few seconds she turns her body from her mic to look at her, her gaze links with hers, and her drumsticks slip from her hands when she _knows_ those eyes are looking back at her—they’re on fire, with a passion that only shows when she’s playing, when the five of them are making a whole sound together and a flame wakes up inside her, hitting the drums with even more spirit when Ran returns her sight to the audience.

 

But she never once thought all of that was for something in particular.

 

She’d usually think of it as something her older sister instincts would do, or her ever-present fear of starting another fight between the five, or just how intense Afterglow lives can get. She knows how wild the age she’s in is—high school, friends, adventures, and perhaps what’s shown most and what everyone in her classroom might have mentioned at some point, love.

 

She knows just how into it everyone around her is. Girls swooning about the person they like, how nice they are, their handsome looks and, well, things that Tomoe never really had time (or interest) to experience because… she’s Tomoe.

 

Tomoe, the girl who spends 12 hours a day helping out people that need it, the girl who rarely ever stops to think about herself, the girl that is always putting others before her, the girl that, honestly, might as well be the subject of infatuation of several people rather than herself having one.

 

She’s very well aware of that, and for a while she’s figured it’s better that way.

 

Sure, maybe she’ll never get to experience the adrenaline of love for herself, but does it _really_ make a difference? She’s content with how things are—she doesn’t _need_ to be into someone to make her teenage self any happier than she is right now.

 

It’s only when she connects Ran with all of that stuff that it all suddenly makes a bit more sense.

 

She’s quick to deny all of it though. Why does it have to be _love_ what she’s supposed to be feeling? Can’t she be happy for a friend? Can’t she be a little careful with her words? Can’t she enjoy the excitement that a live show brings her? It’s not like those kinds of things are new to her after all, even much less so for her to suddenly realize that she’s been in love this whole time, or even worse, with Mitake Ran (her childhood friend of all people, for God’s sake! The kind of risks _that_ implies is almost unimaginable… or something like that, she heard Himari once say).

 

And yet, the next time she looks at Ran in the face, daring to think of her as something more than a good friend, _goddamnit--_ everything makes so much more sense.

 

Her heart pounding in a way that might seem almost dangerous, her face going red, heating up while her mind is making an effort to look for words to answer when Ran asks her _"What's wrong?"._ How suddenly lost her gaze is on her, how she seemingly couldn’t look at anything other than her back during practice, in how the only thing her ears seems to hear is her voice, the thunder of energy that runs through her whole body when she listens to the sound of her guitar, and how strangely easy it now seems for her to play the drums in the background just to hear her sing. When they all walk back home and all she can see is the smile on Ran’s face when Himari talks about how amazing next week’s live will be, or her flushed cheeks and the embarrassed tone in her voice when Moca teases her about how _cool~_ she looked in that one song, or that unwary smile that grows on Tomoe’s face and the laugh that manages to come out of her mouth when Ran turns to look at her so she can tell those two to stop. Suddenly the only things that are going through her mind are all about her—her eyes, her voice, that cool yet passionate way of being, how quiet she once seemed to be and yet just how captivating all of the sudden Ran is to her…

 

It's... It's because of Ran.

  
She's in love, and it's because of _Ran_.

 

She almost laughs to herself like a little girl in love for the first time in her life, and although she doesn’t take long to realize just how ridiculous she must’ve looked like that, she notices that, somehow, when she’s already going back home on her own, everything’s suddenly a bit livelier.

 

The sun that hits her face before it hid behind the buildings, the steps she takes on the path back home she knows well, the greetings of the adults in the neighborhood when they see her walking near her house, her little sister welcoming her back home, and the bed at which she flops herself to finally rest—Tomoe’s seen it about a million times before, but (she sounds so cheesy, she just realizes that) it’s like her heart made her see life in a different color,  as if those _thingies_ of which she barely knew their mere existence up until now, now guide her movements, her thoughts, and perhaps, her entire being.

 

She’s not complaining, however.

 

In fact, she believes, trusts and hopes that, whatever love meant in what was coming next for her, it would surely be something _good_ —nothing really harmful could come out of something as innocent as that, _love_.

 

At least, that’s what she thinks until she feels something dry in her throat.

 

She doesn’t mind too much, other than having to clear it every once in a while. But she feels the little bump coming back into her throat again, and it starts to get annoying, so she clears it again, albeit a bit more roughly. Again, another time and once again, and next thing she knows, she’s already coughing into her food rather than trying to eat it, and it’s already concerning enough that Ako’s getting up from the dining table to get some medicine, maybe get some ice cream on the way, and Tomoe just knows what she’s getting into ( _Ako, she’s come so far…!)._ She dismisses it again, and forces herself to swallow the food in her plate, hoping the passing cough might leave with something warm in her throat.

 

But the itch refuses to go away, and when she’s already brushing her teeth, she’s beginning to get _that_ feeling, one at the very bottom of her thoughts, telling her tomorrow isn’t going to be too great for her. Tomoe wonders if _maybe,_ they left the studio a bit late, or a sick classmate might have passed the flu onto her, but she recalls none, and neither does the other option seem to give a logical explanation to the sudden (and apparently aggressive) cough getting onto her.

 

"Onee-chan," Ako grips onto her pajama, and something about her worried face makes her stop on her tracks. "Are you sure you’re going to be okay?"

 

…It doesn’t _need_ an explanation.

 

 _Yeah,_ she takes a deep breath and caresses her little sister’s head. _She can manage this._

 

She reassures Ako, sending her off to her room and, while she’s at it, Tomoe reminds herself that a small cold won’t ruin her day. She makes her way into her room as well, the lingering though of Ran catching her off guard, just like the cough she gets when the lights are off and she’s already making herself comfortable onto her sheets.

 

She covers her mouth, and in between every cough she feels _something_ —something small, thin pressing against the walls of her throat, and once she gives a last, rough cough onto the palm of her hand, she swears she feels something soft fall into it when she pulls it away.

 

Tomoe doesn’t dare question what it is when she shakes it aside to give herself a good night’s rest.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The moment she wakes up, Tomoe feels that _something_ on her throat again and _no, wait--_ she feels that there’s actually even more of it, pressing onto her throat and making her gag just enough for having her clear it. But before she could even have the relief of feeling her throat light again, she coughs. She covers her mouth and coughs once more, and when she least expects it, she’s already coughing like her throat didn’t ever seem to want to stop. She’s running to the bathroom, and between her hurried steps, she feels something thin and soft fall into her palm, and as she recalls what happened last night she’s already grabbing onto the sink, her coughing fit already ripping her throat as she lets the ‘thingies’ fall onto the sink.

 

That… _that_ was definitely not just a small cold.

 

But it’s apparently not so hard on her, since it seems her body has already given up trying to get those things out of her throat and, over the tears in the corners of her eyes and her terribly burning throat, Tomoe realizes those things turn out to be petals. _Petals,_ making out of her sink a basket full of them, its faint red color being the only thing her mind can process before taking a choked breath and coughing again. She feels the petals running through the walls of her throat at every cough she gives, and there is a last, wheezing one before she’s clearing her throat again, and as she closes her eyes shut, Tomoe begs those are the last ones, because as soon as she rubs her eyes and takes a good look at the disaster in front of her, she feels a sinking pit in her stomach, and it’s not giving her a good time.

 

 _What…?_ She asks, perhaps to her (pretty lame, by the way) reflection in the mirror before her, as if they had something to respond her with. _What… is this…?_ She looks at the small petal lake that is her sink with authentic terror, as if taken from one of those horror movies Ako adores and for some reason she just can’t handle. _What is this?_

 

Seeing in her reflection how she runs a desperate hand through her hair, petals still peeking over her half-closed lips, Tomoe starts feeling anxious. _No,_ she can’t just go to class like _this_ —disturbingly pale skin, pupils unusually contract and looking like a maniac with flowers coming out of her mouth. _God,_ it already sounds ridiculous just like that!

 

She looks away from the mirror for a moment, maybe to distract her mind from how absurd the image in her reflection was. More importantly, what is she _supposed_ to do?

 

Beyond having no idea of what happened to her from one day to the next, much less does she have any idea of _how_ was she going to deal with such a thing, or how would she explain to her parents, her sister, her friends…

 

_Ran._

Only a second passes before her lungs clutch again, taking a deep breath before she’s coughing once more onto the sink, petals flooding her throat in an almost suffocating way, just when she thought they’d stop. _What… What does she have to do with this…?_

 

Soft knocks on the bathroom door interrupt her early-morning crisis, shooting her eyes towards the door without ever changing the fear plastered in her face. Ako’s voice muffles behind the door, barely loud enough for Tomoe to hear. "Onee-chan, are you there?"

 

_Aah, why…?_

Tomoe discreetly spits the remaining petals lingering on her lips as she swallows hard, pushing the rest down her throat to wherever they come from, though not sure if her voice would even sound normal at this point. "Y-Yeah, I’ll be out in a sec!"

 

She hates how it sounds; dry, scratchy… _sick._

 

So, turns out the God forsaken petals won’t even let her speak like a normal person. Wonderful. "We’ll be late!" She hears her walking away, leaving her alone, struggling against time and against that strange condition—for lack of a better word—of which she knows absolutely nothing besides it’s ruining her throat, and if she’s being completely honest, she’s terrified of finding out what it is exactly.

 

She takes a deep breath, albeit with some effort. _It’s okay._ It’s going to be okay. She doesn’t have to make people worry about her. She doesn’t have to explain anything nor to anyone. She can deal with this.

 

That’s what she makes herself believe, going back to look at the petals in the sink beneath her to then take a petal out of the bunch. Red, small, _soft._ Not that she knows a whole lot about flowers, but she can’t help but think about which one was exactly the one tormenting her lungs.

 

Never in her life would she think having something like this would be remotely pleasant, to anyone at the very least, but it’s a bit cute—coughing flowers, of all things.

 

It reminds her a little of…

 

Tomoe coughs, almost urgently at the single thought of a certain person.

 

She wonders why, as she starts cleaning the mess she’s made, feeling her stomach stir at the very fact that those things came out of her.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Whatever it is, Tomoe can only say it’s… strange.

 

She decides to wear a facemask for today (in the middle of spring, she’s very much aware) and suddenly, all the attention was on her. And, okay, she _does_ appreciate the infinite concern of her neighbors, the adults downtown asking her what happened, and the occasional classmates she finds on her path to school asking her if she’d be okay, seriously.

 

But it all seems a bit unnecessary now.

 

Not out of modesty, but rather because, strangely, her throat had felt completely clean when talking to all of them, as if that morning’s disaster had never happened.

 

And yet, when she finds Ran amongst the sea of students at Haneoka’s entrance, it seems her relief doesn’t last long, as the itching in her throat comes back, and seems to get worse the closer she gets to her.

 

Tomoe concludes two things.

 

It’s _really_ weird, and… Ran maybe has something to do with it.

 

But it seems the stupid smile forming under her mask and the funny tingling in her stomach is more important than her ever-present desire to cough her guts out, and prefers to be carried away by her legs, pulling her towards Ran in an attempt to forget the annoying dryness in her throat. Tomoe clears it just so she can talk to her, and hopes that the growing pounding in her heart doesn’t interfere too much (for just saying ‘good morning’, a simple greeting—it’s almost silly). "Good morning, Ran!"

 

Perhaps Ran doesn’t seem to notice the roughness in her voice, so she responds _same as always,_ voice low, and without really feeling the need to turn to see her so she can greet her back. "Good morning."

 

Tomoe isn’t sure what’s weirder—the flower fest that at one moment seems to have passed to finally leave her alone, yet at the other seems to have come back just to torture her, or the fact that, by simply sharing those words—which they have done for years now—her heart runs a marathon on the spot, her idiot smile seems to get even wider, and it’s almost as if she could just sigh from hearing her talk; Ran, from one day to the next, has become the girl she would physically sigh for.

 

Except it’s not exactly a sigh the reason her chest suddenly tenses up.

 

She coughs. She _coughs,_ when she thought those damned petals were gone for good—for her and for the people around her—, and that she wouldn’t have to see, feel, or even think about those flowers choking her and making her cough like the bush in her chest had no end. She feels a cold petal brush against her lips once she closes her mouth, and although she thanks her facemask for not letting that one out, when she sees Ran look at her with worrying surprise, she fears for her life.

 

"Tomoe, are you sick?"

 

She curses everything—the damn petal preventing her from even opening her mouth, the damn tension in her throat that seems to want her cough another hundred petals, her damn defenses making every time she gets sick a living hell… and Ran, for suddenly being so damn _cute._

 

(And maybe being the reason for that coughing fit grabbing her by the throat and squeezing it relentlessly, but Tomoe decides it’s just a coincidence.)

 

"Y-Yeah," She puts a sly hand behind her mask so she can get rid of the thing, squeezing it onto her hand as she pulls it away and throws it onto the wind, hoping it takes it far away. _It’s okay,_ Ran doesn’t have to know. "But it’s just a small cold, don’t worry about it."

 

"You sure?" She asks again, her eyes with such an uncertainty that would probably kill Tomoe on the spot, in every possible way. "I don’t want to risk something happening to you during rehearsal."

 

 _Rehearsal._ Curse that too. They had booked the studio for today as well.

 

Tomoe chokes down all the urge she has to punch a wall at how bad the day already looked like for her and she thinks that, hopefully, that takes some of the petals taking hostage of her throat with it. Instead, she flashes her the best smile she can put on (although she can’t see it) as she catches Ran on one arm, assuring her—and while she’s at it, assuring herself—she’s going to be okay. "I’m telling you, it’s alright…!"

 

But before she can even realize what she’s doing, her chest’s squeezing itself together again, ready to cough another bunch of those petals despite of what she had literally just said. Tomoe closes her eyes and coughs once again, hard enough for Ran to notice and look at her with even more disbelief, she guesses. She forces her throat to stop, cutting the growing river of red petals short, and even if the ever-growing bump in her windpipe is just fueling her need to cough another bunch of them, she refuses to. She’s not sure how much longer she can keep it like that, though—much less so when she hears Ran sigh. "See? I don’t think that’s just a small cough," It’s only when she opens her eyes that she sees Ran bringing her hand to her face and _no, no, no, no, no--_ what was she doing? She has a literal garden behind that mask, if she came to…

 

The bell chimes throughout the school, stopping Ran on her tracks and giving Tomoe a chance to take a good bunch of the petals behind her mask, squeezing them hard under her first once she notices she can’t just throw all of those away, not now at least. Tomoe shoves them onto her pocket, she’ll find a trash can or something later.

 

"S-So, uh… looks like we’ve got class now, huh?" She sees Ran grimace, and the urge to run away just grows stronger the deeper _that_ face plasters onto her pride. "S-See you later…!" She eventually does, only getting to see Ran barely opening her mouth to speak before she’s running full speed ahead toward her locker, panic flooding her senses too much for her to even think about how ridiculous that exit was.

 

As she opens her locker and changes her shoewear, she realizes the petals are still in her pocket, and with no trash can in sight, she figures she might as well keep them on her locker. Who knows, her shoes might even end up smelling nice.

 

She closes her locker as she prays those petals don’t take her dignity with her, for today at least.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Tomoe doesn’t know if it’s supposed to be some sort of side effect of the strange cold she’s having, but her mind seems to be doing everything but focus on the conversation her friends are having in the rooftop. It’s odd because, never in her life Himari’s enthusiastic monologues, Moca’s prankster-like side comments, Tsugumi’s soft giggles or even Ran’s seemingly eternal silence had felt like background noise to her. At least, not against thoughts of her coughing seas of petals in front of all of them.

 

A chill runs down her spine, and she thinks she might have to give one last attempt to listen to Himari’s lively talk before those thoughts eat her alive.

 

"Ah, speaking of manga," she says, her voice echoing through the rooftop, and Tomoe imagines that flu should be something pretty serious if not even Himari herself—talkative, chatty Himari could make her break out of her thought bubble. "There was this one I finished reading last night and…"

 

"Oh," Interrupting her, Moca mumbles, mouth filled with bits of the melonpan she had just taken a bite of and, for some reason, she remained silent where she’d normally scold her—saying something like ‘Moca, that’s rude’ or ‘Swallow that up first’ before she could even talk. Moca swallows her bread without needing Tomoe to tell her, and she wonders if she had noticed. "The one you sent me pictures of?"

 

"Yeah, that one!" Himari leans slightly towards her, eyes shining in quite the optimistic way for someone like… _Moca_. "Did you read it, Moca?"

 

"Mm," She makes somewhat of a wince, and she can already hear Himari whining in indignation. "Bought the first volume, read the first 3 pages and…" She yawns. "Moca-chan fell asleep…"

 

Just like she had figured, Himari jumps to reproach her. "Eeh? You didn’t even read the whole thing!"

 

"The first pages already tell me everything, Hii-chan," She takes another bite to her melonpan, unchanging. "It’s a generic shoujo."

 

"It’s not generic!" Himari jumps. Ready to defend her manga tooth and nail, she looks at her other two confidants in search of support, of which one seems to avoid getting involved at all costs, and the other one can only give her an apologetic smile. Defeat is plastered in her face, and Moca’s very poorly disguised laughter is seemingly the last impulse for Himari to look at her, desperate; Udagawa Tomoe, her last resort. "To~mo~e~! Tell Moca to stop judging things without even seeing the whole thing first!"

 

Tomoe can only prepare for the disaster they were about to form, even more so when they were trying to get her in the middle of it. Moca looks at her for a second, shaking her head. "Hii-chan, I don’t think Tomo-chin likes generic shoujos either."

 

She sighs. _It’s better than thinking about coughing non-stop._

 

"Hmph!" Himari ignores her, putting her hands on her waist, hoping that at least gives her credibility for whatever she’s going to say next. "Tomoe will read anything, as long as it’s good," her confident smile suddenly becomes a pair of desperate eyes once she turns back to look at her again. "Right, Tomoe?"

 

"Hm…" pressed against Himari’s puppy eyes and Moca’s mocking smile, Tomoe hesitates, trying to come up with something that isn’t manipulated by either of them. "Well, I wouldn’t know what to tell you if I don’t know what’s it about first, don’tcha think?"

 

 _Fair enough_ , she thinks. Maybe the argument would die down eventually.

 

But Himari crosses her arms with an even more convinced smile, Moca seems to be yawning again, and Tomoe is sending her condolences to the other two beforehand. "So, it’s about this guy who likes a girl in his class, but he thinks she doesn’t return his feelings back," she begins, and Moca’s already beginning to blink as if she were going to fall asleep on the spot. "So that’s why he starts coughing flowers, which turns out to be some sort of terminal disease…"

 

"Oi, Moca, don’t fall asleep," Himari is once again cut short, as Ran tries to get Moca off of her—already drooling onto her shoulder.

 

(She feels her throat itch briefly, but she doesn’t want to think much about it.)

 

"Moca!" the other whines, interrupting her dramatic description in favor of waking Moca up from her nap.

 

Moca shoots her eyes open, but they flutter back closed. "Mmn, I just don’t get it~," she pouts, rubbing her eye as if Himari were her mom waking her up at three in the morning (except Himari’s not her mom, and it definitely wasn’t even three in the morning). "Why would you cough up flowers because you like someone?"

 

Tomoe would laugh. She doesn’t know whether to be glad she’s got no idea of the _hilarious_ thing that happened this morning in her bathroom, or to agree with her, honestly—coughing up flowers out of love is still a bit ridiculous.

 

"It’s a real disease, mind you," she says, sure enough of her words to make it sound like fact to Tomoe’s ears. _Was it?_ If so, then she should be already in her way to the hospital. "It’s called Hanahaki, and it’s pretty serious you know? I mean, who knows, maybe tomorrow you’ll already be coughing up flowers of your own…"

 

_Hanahaki, huh…_

 

Himari points at Moca with her eye, and although the threatening gesture doesn’t seem to reach Moca or anyone for that matter, Tomoe mentally reminds herself to investigate (that is, if Himari wasn’t making things up just to look smart in front of Moca).

 

"No thank you, me and Meronpan-san already have a healthy and stable relationship," she strokes what’s left of her bread with her fingers, and puts the last piece in her moth, cupping her own face in delight. Ran rolls her eyes and Tomoe would laugh, if the petals in her throat let her.

 

Tsugumi laughs. "Well, she’s got a point! You can’t get sick if you don’t have someone to do so, right?"

 

Himari nods enthusiastically, giggling as she gets caught up in her own fantasies. "Ehehe, can you imagine coughing up flowers for Kaoru-senpai~?" She rests her head on top of her intertwined hands, and she hears Moca’s snicker when she shoots her eyes wide open, terrified. "No, wait, that’d be too tragic…"

 

Amidst everyone’s laughter, Tomoe can’t help but asking the question to herself. Sure, it’s already a fact she’s coughing up flowers, but if Himari’s manga took place in real life…

 

Would she be coughing flowers for Ran?

 

Tsugumi laughs again, looking then at Ran. "I wonder if Ran-chan has someone like that…"

 

Ran raises her head for a few seconds, and Tomoe manages to see that red tinge on her cheeks, which everyone, including her, knew too well. _Eh…?_ Her throat begins to itch once more, the annoying bump on her throat becoming even more unbearable the more she sees that vivid color on her face.

But Ran shoots her head back to her lunch again before the image of her blushing face was recorded onto her mind, going back and forth like a scratched record. Ran fiddles with the peas on her lunch, ignoring everyone’s eyes on her. "M-Me?" She stammers, in that tone that she recognizes too well to know she’s not being honest with herself. She realizes not only her throat wanted to make a scene, but her heart seemed to… hurt. Hurt in the sense that she feels like it’s shrinking in her chest, as if it were being squeezed with bare hands and with each passing second, it became more painful, suffocating. "Of course… not…"

 

But she doesn’t understand. She’s supposed to be happy for Ran, right? Her friend is feeling _those_ things—those little things that surely make her mind go over the clouds when that person crosses her thoughts, she knows.

 

(She knows, because it’d be a lie if she said she didn’t feel that exact same thing when it came to her.)

 

Those little things could create wonders—She’d smile more, she’d have something out of Afterglow that would make her happy, making her even more confident, more honest with herself. What else can she ask for?

 

Her head starts to ache, throbbing painfully with every thought that dares cross her mind.

 

"Oh, so she _does_ have someone~" Moca’s the first to jump in and tease her, her face poking Ran in every way she thinks possible. Tomoe knows Moca’s like that—she knows Ran best, and knows exactly how to get a reaction out of her, even if her intentions are purely for mocking.

 

Then, why does she feel like stems grab her throat and squeeze it mercilessly when she sees Ran blush once more?

 

"I’m telling you, I don’t…!" She pushes her face aside, erasing that stupid grin from her face before she can say anything else.

 

"Oh, she does?" Himari’s eyes shine, getting closer to Ran. "Tell us who, tell us who!"

 

They surround her, curious and to know who exactly is the person that has her like that, and Tomoe feels a bush grow in her chest. She wants to join in, to tease Ran until she can’t laugh anymore, to see her smile and talk so wholeheartedly about the person painting her cheeks red—to feel at _home_ , feel glad that Ran is so happy.

 

But her heart is beating cruelly.

 

She realizes she can’t. She doesn’t want to hear Ran talk about someone else, she can’t _bear_ the thought of Ran with someone else. She suppresses daydreams of her and Ran being together, having Ran by her side, and of her being the person having Ran act like that in the deepest corners of her mind, and she quickly reprimands herself—hating, blaming herself and her repressed wishes for making her so selfish, longing for someone she could never have.

 

Her head hurts even worse than before, the ball of tension in her lungs gets bigger, the itch in her throat becomes almost insatiable and then--

 

_Cough._

 

Dry air comes out of her mouth, loud enough to silence the commotion and make them all turn over to her, with such a genuine concern in their faces that really didn’t make her feel less panicked. She prays it’s only that, but behind came even more of them, the river of petals inside her rushing back to her throat. _No, not in front of them…_

"Tomoe-chan?" Tsugumi’s voice cuts through the silence, and the looks on her start to feel like too much. _No,_ she’s only getting them even more worried, what was she doing…? Tomoe quickly brings a hand behind her mask, taking the few petals that managed to get out and quickly clutching them in her palm. Her heart pounds and it’s resonating in her skull, her mind caught between the sword and the wall trying to come up with something.

 

"Sorry, I…" She looks at the door, and with her legs shaking in the urge to escape, she stands up, grasping the petals in her fist so not a loose one escapes her grip. The petals start to press against the walls of her throat, and at this point she knows it’s inevitable—she has to cough. The flowers won’t leave her alone otherwise.

 

But she wouldn’t let it be here, right in front of her friends—right in front of _her._

Tomoe walks up to the rooftop door, taking the doorknob with her free hand and as she opens it, she turns to the stairs. "I… have to go to the bathroom for a minute."

 

She runs away.

 

With her throat dry, eager to get rid of the petals, she hurries down the stairs, not even careful enough to apologize to the people she’s bumping on the hallways. _Anytime now._ At any moment her body will decide it can’t take anymore. At any moment she’ll fall to the ground and cough up those damn flowers, and they’ll reveal her secret to anyone watching her at that moment.

 

She’s close to the bathroom, though Tomoe’s relief is short-lived when her head starts to feel light, her legs slow down and her throat already has the petals rubbing against her tongue. She enters, but before she can even enter any of the stalls, her knees drop to the cold floor, eyes watering when she’s got nothing left but to pull down her mask, allowing her throat to let the petal river flow, tingling in her throat as if to give her nausea.

 

She coughs. She coughs again—two, three, four times; tearing her throat apart every time she does it, petals falling around her like a flower field and the flowery smell filling her nostrils is enough to make her coughing fit even worse, and even more so when she can feel something thick press against the walls of her throat. She can’t breathe; dry air fills her chest with each cough she gives. She inhales, pausing for a few seconds in which she realizes just how _sick_ she really is, before she takes it all out, leaving her throat burning as if knives were cutting through it.

 

Petals, pollen, flower stems oiled with saliva—everything comes out in a way that’s borderline sickening, and that’s the least of it. Tomoe dares open her eyes to see a whole flower rest over the garden of petals she’s made herself, and her stomach stirs up when she realizes _that_ came out of her throat, leaving her so sore, so weak--

 

"Tomoe-chan!" She hears a voice into the distance, and her senses finally return to the present to see all her fears dismantle in front of her. "Tomoe-chan, are you..."

 

_No._

 

Tomoe turns her head around to see, perhaps to make herself believe that nobody is actually there, but color drains from her face once she sees Tsugumi. _Tsugumi,_ in first person witnessing her literally lying in a garden, a horrified expression on her face as saliva falls from the corners of her mouth, completely taken aback.

 

_No, no, please, no…_

Tsugumi looks at her astounded, perplexed at the sight in front of her.

 

"Flowers…?"

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

This…

 

This isn’t going well.

 

This morning everything _seemed_ alright. Tomoe could manage those petals—sure, she’d wear a mask, and cough maybe every once in a while, but that wouldn’t change anything. She’d still share time with her sister once she got back home, she’d still play along with whatever her friends were up to, and all that added to those feelings she had discovered just yesterday, why _would_ it have to change? In fact, the cold would eventually go away, it’d all be fine; everything would be back the same as always.

 

But seeing how things are going, that plan would just simply flop before she’d have the relief of ever mentioning those flowers again.

 

"A-Are you okay, Tomoe-chan?"

 

And knowing she tried everything, absolutely _everything_ so that something like this wouldn’t happen, doesn’t make it any less insufferable.

 

Tsugumi crouches down, and Tomoe’s first thought is to get away from her. Not because she thinks it’s contagious (are _flowers_ contagious?), but because of that small reaction in her body that makes her want to flee again—maybe because of the fear of knowing what Tsugumi would think now, or therefore all of them after knowing that _this_ is what she’d been hiding, something to bring Tsugumi with such an expression on her face.

 

She sighs. _Is she being reckless…?_

"I…" She clears her throat. Yeah, talking right after coughing an entire flower out of her throat, pollen and all, really made her feel like that. "I think so…"

 

Tsugumi takes her shoulders, and without ever blotting out the horror in her eyes, she looks around; to the red petals surrounding her like a garden, to the white walls in the ghost-quiet bathroom, looking for something, _anything_ that takes them out of this disaster (at least, that’s what she wants to think). Tomoe lowers her head, unable to keep looking at Tsugumi’s desperate face, and she finds her gaze landing on her skirt, where the red flower lies on top of all those petals of the very same color, scattered on her arms, her legs and all around her. These are… Orchids, right?

 

Tomoe smiles. _Orchids_ , the name dances hesitantly on her tongue. _Ran…_

 

She looks at it for a few more seconds, and she feels another wave of petals creeping up her throat. She gives a weak cough, petals inevitably falling from her lips, and she can barely hear Tsugumi gasp in terror when she takes the flower in her hands, caressing it with her thumb with the little energy she has left. That flower, that god-forsaken flower that leaves her lungs out of breath, that catches her off-guard making her cough a thousand times before she finds herself in situations like this—how can it be so soft? How can it be such a gorgeous red? Why is it so small, yet can leave her so weak, so sick…?

 

 _It hurts_ , Tomoe stresses, like the piercing pain in her throat didn’t make it any clearer. It hurts, and that doesn’t make it look any less beautiful.

 

Tsugumi suddenly stands up, taking her arm with her. "Let’s go back to the rooftop!"

 

She almost pulls her back as she’s forced to get on her feet. "What?"

 

"M-Maybe Himari-chan knows something! Or… Or Ran-chan! She knows a lot about flowers, right?" She sounds desperate, alternating her gaze between her and the halls, legs eager to go back. What is she talking about? She would have guessed it wouldn’t be just a passing cold, much less so after just taking a flower out of her throat, but that much for Tsugumi to be so worried?

 

"W-Wait a sec, Tsugu!" She feels a little bad, outright stopping Tsugumi when she’s in such a state, but she wouldn’t feel any less relieved either if she doesn’t know what’s happening to her. "What are you talking about…?"

 

Tsugumi doesn’t erase that expression from her face, insisting in a way that doesn’t make Tomoe feel very reassured. "It’s-- It’s _Hanahaki_ , Tomoe-chan! And it looks really bad…!"

 

"Hanahaki?" She recalls the word come out of Himari’s mouth, and although her blurry mind doesn’t let her remember exactly when, she’s remains doubtful in how she described it all. Okay, coughing flowers, sure, but for _love_? Because someone's feelings aren’t requited? Tomoe still finds it hard to believe, laughable even. She wants to ask Tsugumi either way. "S-So… what Himari was saying wasn’t a lie then…?

 

Tsugumi softens her expression, and Tomoe thinks she might as well give up on her. "Tomoe-chan, do you really not know…?" What did she not know? She admits she’s a little dense for some things, but… She shakes her head, and she sees Tsugumi sigh. "Does Tomoe-chan like someone?" She asks, looking into her eyes as if pushing Tomoe into a corner, waiting for an answer she’s not sure she can give.

 

She’d say no, because why would Tomoe, who might as well be the literal heroine of so many girls, in and out of her school, would be the one _falling_ in love? It’s strange to even think about it (even for her—she feels a little selfish, putting herself in that pedestal), but goddamnit-- she’d be lying! To Tsugumi, to herself, to her damn throat becoming hell on earth when she remotely thinks of Ran; when she thinks of those smiles that occasionally escape her and she subconsciously grows one on her face, when she remembers those little glances she steals from her in a live show and she feels her heart skip a beat once more, or when she thinks of her flushed cheeks and she can’t help but think of how vulnerable she looks…

 

Tomoe feels the bushes blooming in her lungs, and she realizes it’s useless to deny it, especially when Tsugumi’s insistence only reinforces that fact that maybe it is something like that, making her cough until there’s no flowers to spare. She sighs and nods hesitantly, feeling Tsugumi’s eyes soften over her. "That’s why you’re coughing those flowers."

 

Her lip trembles.

 

It’s pointless to doubt it at this point—when Tsugumi is looking at her like that, when she remembers Himari’s words and she feels chest tighten up in the midst of flowers drowning her down, at the same time that her heart races up at the thought of Ran. As stupid as the idea might have seemed to her at first, it’s all too connected for it to not be that; cough up flowers for love. _For Ran._

 

She sighs, frowning. But how would she go back up there, now that she knows that she’s possibly dying out of a silly, unrequited crush? How would she explain it to her friends, to Ako? How…

 

How would she be able to face Ran?

 

Tsugumi remains persistent. "Let’s go, Tomoe-chan!" She says, her grip on her arm tightening once again. "Maybe they’ll let you go home for today…!"

 

"Tsugu, wait!" She stops her short again, forcing herself to think between the sword and the wall. If she told her, would she get mad? Would she stop trusting her? "I-If so, then…"

 

She takes a deep breath. For now, she’d have to trust Tsugumi.

 

"I think… I think it’s because of Ran."

 

Tsugumi, for a few seconds, looks stunned, and Tomoe, rather than feeling she’s taken a huge weight off her shoulders, she feels the silence weighing them down, her heart pounding on her throat. "Ran-chan…?" Tsugumi releases her grip, hiding her hands behind her back as she fixes her gaze at the floor beneath her. "I-I had no idea…"

 

They both remain quiet, but the stillness is starting to feel overwhelming, and it makes Tomoe feel like an idiot. God, she really was one, wasn’t she? Leaving Tsugumi like that… Did either of them know what to do now?

 

"Tsugu, I’m… I’m really sorry, I should’ve told you before…"

 

"No, it’s okay!" She darts her gaze back up at her, hurrying her words. She sighs, as if she hadn’t fully taken it all in yet. "You… probably don’t want to tell them yet, then?"

 

_Huh…_

 

Tomoe has always thought herself strong—and that shows best by listening so attentive to the thoughts and pains of so many people, always putting others first before her, and all while keeping that cool, big-sister exterior, it’s no surprise she might as well be the saving grace of so many people around her. Maybe that’s why she had promised herself (she’s not sure when, at one point she must’ve guessed) to never let anyone see her crumble down; to suck up her pain when she feels unable, to force herself to smile when she’s not sure herself where to turn to, to assure the people she so dearly cares about that she’ll be _fine._ Because if Tomoe isn’t there, kind and reliable to light up the lives of those people, who will?

 

But then, she must’ve wondered herself at some point, what will happen when she finds herself feeling just like those girls running up to her to cry on her shoulder, and she’s got no one to count on?

 

"Tomoe-chan…?"

 

…And the more she stares at Tsugumi’s face, compassionately waiting for her answer, she thinks. She’s stupid. She really, _really_ is stupid.

 

It’s right in front of her.

 

That shoulder to cry on when she finds her capable, big sister façade crumbling, when the orchids plaguing her lungs seem to go beyond making her throat feel like she’s just outright swallowed knives, and make her realize things that she wants to think are ridiculous, make her think she can push those thoughts down the very pit of her mind and continue living, but she knows she can’t.

 

If there’s something that very orchid in her heart taught Tomoe, it’s that she can’t deal with all of this on her own.

 

(She may as well die before she can even think she’s able.)

 

She smiles, taking Tsugumi’s shoulder unnoticed. "Y’know, Tsugu?" She’s stupid, but as much as she might be, she knows she’s got them by her side at least. "I think I’d like to talk with those two as well."

 

Tsugumi’s eyes light up. "Really?" Tomoe nods, her smile unavoidably spreading across her face as she sees her sigh in relief and put a hand to her chest, and even though she feels a little envious to see the other girl breathe so easily, it’s comforting. She’s glad— she’s still counting on them, after all. "That’s a relief…!"

 

Tomoe smiles again before looking back at the literal garden of orchids she’s left behind, and her lips curl into a frown as she realizes just how little time she’s got to clean that mess up.

 

"Um," She turns to Tsugumi, pointing back at the pile of petals with somewhat of a sheepish look on her face. "I think we should clean this up first."

 

"Eh?" It’s not until Tomoe points it out that Tsugumi looks behind her, eyes widening once again as she sees the disaster just before her eyes. She’s just as quick to turn into the Tsugurific person she is though, already determined to make her way to the janitor’s closet. "R-Right! Let’s clean this up before lunchtime ends…!"

 

She sees her disappear across the hallways, and even if she knows those flowers probably won’t like the mere idea of her breathing oxygen soon enough, she can’t help but take a deep breath; she had taken a huge weight off her. It’s only her and her thoughts left in the room, and the more she thinks of the other two—in Himari’s bombard of questions leaving her with no rest, or in Moca’s (absolutely necessary) mocking comments as soon she gets to know she’s like _that_ , because of _Ran_ , the more she asks herself…

 

Is this a good idea…?

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

She figures yeah, maybe not. Not when they’re both staring at her like she’s just swallowed a cockroach in front of them (which is basically, Himari with her mouth wide open, comically enough for Tomoe to think it might reach to touch the ground, and something like that for Moca as well, except she’s got a smile creeping onto her face that just frightens her more than anything). Tomoe can really only stare back—what else is there to tell, other than the disgusting details that she honestly can’t talk about without feeling like she needs to throw up?

 

Himari remains unflinching, and it’s almost as she had seen a fly sneak into her mouth. "S-So that means…" _Oh no, there it comes._ "The cold you had this morning was…?"

 

"Hanahaki, huh~?" _Oh, ooh no_. Like Himari’s questions weren’t starting to be overwhelming enough… "What a tragic love~, Moca-chan could cry right now."

 

She’d hit Moca for all it’s worth, but she’s more worried about the state of her lungs rather than her state of her pride, at least, enough to not be bothered tell Moca to stop teasing her for her poor, unrequited crush.

 

(But then again, that’s exactly why she’s so sick. She’s not sure what to worry about first.)

 

"But…" Himari looks only more confused than ever. "I never thought Tomoe would be the one sick of Hanahaki…"

 

"Hii-chan, love is cruel," Moca puts a hand on her shoulder, clear condolence on her face (although with pretty questionable intentions). "Even more so if it’s Ran, of all people~!" She continues, now facing Tomoe, and she was seriously, _seriously_ holding herself back from scolding Moca in front of everyone in the café outside of the livehouse. She decides to ignore her impulsiveness for now. "If Tomo-chin ever confesses, she’ll probably outright kick you out the band and you probably might end up dead of congestion--"

 

Alright, that’s enough.

 

"M-Moca!"

 

"Moca-chan!"

 

"Moca, that’s not funny," She scolds, voice firm and effectively getting Moca to hunch in her seat.

 

"Sorry~," She snorts out, and Tomoe suddenly gets caught in the middle of her thoughts, thinking about Moca’s words in a way that she knows she shouldn’t be taking seriously, but still does. Dead by congestion? Tsugumi did tell her it was something pretty serious but, to _die_ …?

 

Everyone’s eyes are suddenly on her, and she feels complied to ask what’s on her mind. "Can you really… die by Hanahaki?"

 

Himari jumps off her seat. "O-Of course you can! It’s sort of… like…" Her hands move to point at her chest, and then make some weird gestures, of which Tomoe can’t really get anything legible out of. "The… The flowers! They take over your lungs and… And you can’t even breathe and you choke and--"

 

The (very disturbing) image is already formed on her mind when she puts a hand on Himari’s shoulder before she says anything else. "Okay, no need to get specific."

 

Himari pouts a bit, but Tomoe shrugs it off. "Tomoe-chan, have you thought of doing procedure?"

 

_…Wait, what?_

"Procedure?" On top of knowing you can die out of flowers on your lungs, a _surgery_? God, what else did she not know? "What procedure?"

 

Tsugumi hands Tomoe her phone, on a page that, by a quick glance, she assumes it’s about Hanahaki. "Look," She slides her finger down slightly through the screen, showing her a list of symptoms she quickly scrolls through—she knows better than anyone they all fit to her like a hand on a glove. She scrolls down, hoping to find something that tells her what that supposed procedure was about.

 

_"If two or more of these symptoms apply, please consult with your doctor as soon as possible. The Hanahaki disease can be a lethal illness, so as soon as it’s diagnosed, it’s best to perform a surgery to remove the plant growing in the lungs. This surgery, although risky, guarantees that the flower stops obstructing the respiratory tract, and makes the feelings growing the plant in particular cease, preventing any future inconvenience._

_There is another method, which consists in making the person in question you feel attracted to reciprocate your feelings, and while this has been shown to work and effectively stops the exponential growth of the flower, it is not a 100% reliable treatment, which is why it’s generally preferred to perform procedure to remove the flower from the body entirely."_

 

"Or, you can also confess!" She looks at Himari over the screen, determined. "If she returns your feelings, the flowers wither and disappear from your lungs, and they no longer grow back!" She says, and swearing she sees stars in her eyes, she stares at her. "O-Or something like that I’ve heard, I dunno…"

 

Tomoe laughs briefly, comfortingly. Manga is definitely doing her something. She’s not wrong, either way. "Yeah, it said something like that. "

 

But then she sees Moca do _that_ face again, particularly at Himari, and she can only sigh. "But Hii-chan, don’t you remember~?" Her mischievous smile is now looking at her again, and completely expecting whatever dumb thing she was going to say, she looks at Moca with a blank expression on her face. "It won’t be my fault Afterglow shows up next gig without a drummer--"

 

She cuts her short once again before she crosses the line. "Okay, we got it."

 

"Hehe~ I knew you’d say that," The glimmer returns to Himari’s eyes, and Tomoe would be lying if she said she didn’t want to hear whatever crazy idea she’s just come up with. "Which is why I thought, how about… A date!"

 

The color goes flying out of her face once she processed what had just come out of her mouth though. "A-A date?"

 

"Yeah!" Himari’s enthusiasm does not seem to go away at any moment, and Tomoe knows she’s being serious. "We’ll have just you guys together, at the perfect time and place, and when Tomoe confesses, there’s no way she’ll say no!"

 

 _Date_ , the word echoes in her mind while scenarios, perhaps a bit too promising, start to take over her head. The god-forsaken flowers start to sting in her throat, right as she feels her ears start burning up, and she starts to think she may not be able to handle that at all. "Ah," Moca’s voice brings her back to reality, and Tomoe can only guess just how red her face can get right now. "Ran said she’s got a special someone~, Tomo-chin, you’re in luck!"

_Goddamnit, Moca._

"Exactly!" Enthusiast Himari doesn’t seem to let go of the idea, and just a she puts her hands on her waist, her eyes determined and her pose confident, Tomoe knows there’s no turning back. "Leave it to us! I’m sure it’ll go well, right Moca?

 

It’s almost as if she could hear Moca hold back a laugh. "Oh, of course~" _Seriously, goddamnit, Moca._ "Whaddya think, Tsugu?"

 

 _Oh god, not Tsugumi._ She prays the deities above Tsugumi could read her face, or something, _anything_ so that she doesn’t get involved. Because she knows that if it’s Himari the one starting, and it’s Moca that joins her in, nothing could stop them. _If Tsugumi agrees…_

 

"Well, if you guys say so…"

 

Okay, that’s it. It’s her doom, she might as well die right now.

 

"What do you think, Tomoe-chan?"

 

She feels betrayed, by everyone—by Himari, for coming up with ideas that are just too much, by Moca, for playing along just to see her suffer, and by _Tsugumi_ … for just being too Tsugurific.

 

But, she thinks, at the end of the day, they’re doing it for her sake. Whatever honor she had might just go down the drain after doing all of this, but, whether it may work or not, she’ll at least know they all did their best to get her out of the living hell she’s breathing on right now (And, well, who knows, maybe that thing she’s got for Ran could end up working out thanks to them).

 

She assumes the burning heat in her face is just enough of an answer. Moca is quick to get it. "Well, I guess that says it all~"

 

The joint laughter of the three resonate in the table, and she thinks that maybe, whatever those two end up doing, she’d be willing to do it. Just maybe. Tsugumi then looks at her, a sad smile on her face. "And, if that doesn’t work then…" Tomoe frowns. She knows, and she doesn’t want to think about it. "You’ll have to do the procedure, I suppose…"

 

And yet, she ends up thinking about it. She asks herself, _can_ she?

 

Tomoe knows she’s not alone. She’s got those three, who maybe now are supporting her more than ever (even Moca, regardless of motivations), and if Ako and her parents get to know, she trusts them, she knows they won’t turn their backs on her. If there’s someone she’s doing all of this for, it’s for them—so she doesn’t get to see them cry over her, because she’s slowly dying, because they can’t do anything about it. She can’t just die in front of them.

 

But deep down, she knows that, if she does ends up removing those flowers with the procedure, she’s not sure she can let go that easily. That burning feeling in her skin when she realized she liked her, that little ray of joy she embraced when she recognized that feeling of being in love, that brief, electrifying chill running down her spine when she knew it was her; _Ran_ , making her feel all that, sensations that she never once thought possible, and feeling even a bit selfish for even admitting she once wished for them to be. Hell, she might just be exaggerating—maybe she doesn’t want to admit all of that, because she knows the people around her, worried and reliant on her, may end up hurting even more but, was she really ready to let all of that go?

 

Tomoe sighs, a sad smile curling onto her face as well. Maybe time will tell. "Yeah."

 

She hears a faint sniffle at her side, and she immediately knows it’s Himari, tears swelling in her eyes. "T…Tomoe~!" She turns to look at her, and next thing she knows she’s holding her in her arms, blowing her nose right on the sleeve of her jacket without remorse. Tomoe winces a little at the thought of cleaning that up, but she smiles at her regardless, patting her on the head. "I-I’m not letting Tomoe die…!"

 

"Hii-chan, it’ll be fine~" Moca joins in, doing the best impression of Tomoe she can do while comforting Himari, but she knows too well she’s not doing too good of a job at that. She’s wearing that mischievous smile on her face again, and she’s expecting anything to come out of her mouth at this point. "True love will save Tomo-chin, right?"

 

She can only roll her eyes as she tries to choke down the urge of slapping Moca right in the face, but footsteps come close to the table they’re on, and Tomoe doesn’t even dare breathe. "Uh, I see you guys are early…?"

 

 _Ran_. She feels flowers rise up in the walls of her throat once again, and she tries her best for her smile to not twist uncomfortably. "Ooh, what a coincidence," Moca pulls away from the hug, now looking at Ran with _that_ look on her face, and she doesn’t know whether to thank her or fear for whatever she’s going to say. "We were just talking about your special one~."

 

Yeah, she didn’t know what else to expect.

 

She turns to look at Ran, putting effort in keeping the petals in her throat right where they are, before it all turns into another mess of orchids everywhere. She realizes it’s not going to be easy, not when she sees red spreading all over Ran’s face, fire on her eyes as she looks at Moca.

 

"I-I told you there’s no one like that!"

 

Everyone’s laughing along, and she’d laugh as well, if it weren’t for the burning petals in her throat threatening to come out.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

It’s not like she didn’t trust them. In fact, she’s pretty eager about whatever those two (three?) had in mind. But, as she starts feeling her stomach like it’s going to drop at any moment, she realizes she’d might as well end up in a hospital room before that even gets to happen. She doesn’t like thinking so pessimistically of things, but it’s come to the point where she’s asking herself if she can _really_ put up with it for what’s left of practice, because as much as her strong spirit would be willing to, the sharp pain in her abdomen screams her otherwise.

 

 _Maybe one song_ , she thinks. One more before she’s coughing onto the floor, throwing orchids all over the studio and have it look more like a flower arrangement event rather than an actual space for band practice.

 

(Wow, what a coincidence—her cause of death is the very daughter of the heir of a flower arrangement school, she’s just realized. It all made too much sense.)

 

"Tomoe?" She can barely hear Himari’s voice as the pain in her stomach becomes slightly worse, gripping her snare before she possibly faints on top of her drums. It hurt, it seriously hurt, and she doesn’t doubt for a second the reason for that are those goddamn flowers (can they actually spread throughout your whole body? Okay, maybe she’s starting to understand why it’s considered lethal).

 

"To~mo-chin," Moca was suddenly on her face, and Tomoe almost falls out of her stool out of the (pretty lame, but borderline creepy) scare she just gave her. Strangely, it didn’t hurt that much anymore, and she thought maybe Moca should scare her like that more often. "Yup, she’s alive."

 

But then Ran’s gaze meets hers, and she realizes that was a stupid thing to say when the more she looks at those eyes, the more she wants to rip her guts out before she threw up on the spot or something. Ran stares at her, with a frown that Tomoe knows she’s oh so weak for, and she sighs. "Tomoe, are you sure you can handle it?"

 

And just as she hears her say that, she decides to sit up straight, sticks already on her hands to give a few kicks to her drums, pretending like the throbbing pain in her lower torso didn’t hurt like hell. "No, no, nope! I’m fine, ready as ever!" She says, and she thinks she really should make herself believe that if she wanted to at least get out of this session alive.

 

And even so, Ran’s frown only deepens. "Are you sure?"

 

She’s about to say _hell yeah, let’s start like, right now_ , but Ran doesn’t seem the only one that’s worried, as everyone’s concerned looks over her only serve as fuel to the little voice at the very depths of her subconscious—screaming at her to get out of there before _‘Here lies Udagawa Tomoe, dead by playing drums under the effects of Hanahaki’_ ends up being written on her grave as her ghost watches Ako and Himari cry over it, heartbroken, Ran and her father leave an orchid arrangement close to it while they listen to Tsugumi’s funerary speech and Moca, from behind her grave, whispers "Moca-chan was right all along~".

 

But the scenario just seems rather ridiculous, in fact, it’s probably making her even more convinced she can handle it, at least for today. She’ll see about her stay in the hospital later. "I’m sure. Completely, Absolutely sure. If you want, you can kick me out of the band if that’s not the case."

 

She can hear Moca hold back a laugh, and Tomoe almost shoots her a dirty glare after realizing the great stupidity that had just come out of her mouth, but she keeps her eyes fixed on Ran, with the most serious, most determined expression she can put on her face, and thus convince her _it’s going to be alright, she can do this_ (and while she’s at it, convince herself that Moca is outright _wrong_ , in every sense of the word).

 

She sighs again. "If you say so…"

 

Alright, she thinks. Time to see how she’d handle those cramps for the next 2 hours left of practice.

 

"But," She turns to her again, bold and almost demanding. "If something happens to you, don’t say I didn’t warn you," She says, a finger pointing at her, and Tomoe feels obliged to nod frantically. For a second she almost smiles like an idiot, an idiot in love—thinking about how cute she looked, worrying about her like that. But (thank God) she wakes up from her thoughts before any of those three in front of her could even see (Tsugumi has every right to look at her like that. She’s a sweetheart, she wouldn’t betray her like that). "Himari."

 

"E-Eh? Ah, okay!" Himari gets in position, followed by Moca, and putting on the most confident pose she can, she begins rehearsal. "Alright, everyone, on the count of three! One, two…!"

 

Tomoe takes a deep breath. She can do this.

 

"One, two, three!"

 

And then, feeling her stomach twist sickeningly as soon as Ran starts the song, the scenarios of her ghost witnessing her own funeral look closer than ever before.

 

But she can’t turn back now. Not when Ran’s voice is taking over the studio, and not when she remembers she might end up getting kicked out of the band if she ever even dares to say _‘Sorry, I just can’t do it right now. I’m gonna go throw up some flowers in the bathroom now, if you excuse me’_ right after promising Ran she wouldn’t. She feels her stomach squirm in agony as soon as the drums enter the song, and for every hit she gives, she feeling more petals drop from her chest, falling to her stomach and mix with whatever she had for lunch, making her unsteady and fall down below the song’s tempo by a few seconds.

 

Seconds in which Ran turns to look at her, and that’s when she knows she can’t. She can’t bear it anymore. Saliva starts filling her mouth, pollen gives a sour taste to her tongue and then--

 

She coughs.

 

She drops her drumsticks and covers her mouth, luckily before Ran even got to see any petal fall from her mouth, and all at once, the sound that the five of them were making together gets cut short. The sound of drumsticks falling to the floor, of bass and guitars stopping so suddenly rebound in her head, tears swelling in her eyes the more she feels the orchids creep up the walls of her throat, and only then, she dares look at her.

 

"Tomoe…?" Ran says, with such a softness in her voice that doesn’t really mix well with the bile in her throat, and she can only hold her stomach as tight as she can while she presses her palm against her mouth before something came out of there. The more she looks at not just Ran’s, but everyone’s worried gazes on her, the more sinking, more heartbreaking the pit in her stomach feels, and she swallows hard.

 

"I…" Her chest shrinks, and everything on her throat seems to come rushing to her mouth. She gets up from the stool, and while still covering her mouth, she walks towards the exit. "I’ll be back in a bit."

 

She begs Ran (and everyone, really) to forgive her a thousand times in her mind before she runs up to the door, and ignores Marina calling out to her as she tries to get through the livehouse’s lobby, trying for the unbearable pain in her abdomen to not get her on her knees. The late afternoon sun hits her in the face as soon as she’s out, and she doesn’t once stop her hurried steps as she watches the few people roaming around over her watery eyes.

 

Well, less people to witness her literally throwing up flowers in the middle of the street, Tomoe thinks.

 

But the petals tickling in her throat, bordering her tongue, quickly interrupt her train of thought, and the bitter pollen in her mouth seem to be the only thing in her mind when she’s already a few meters away from CiRCLE. She runs to where the suns seem to be hiding; the river, where cherry blossoms fall into the flowing water and oh God-- her stomach is twisting again at the sight of those flowers. She stops in her tracks, right before the railing separating her from the river, grabbing it fiercely with her hand as she’s left with nothing but to stare down at the water, barely even conscious, and observes how the small, pink petals fall down so delicately, making her sight blurry and _ugh--_ she’s gonna throw up, she’s gonna throw up, she’s gonna throw up. There’s no stopping her now.

 

Her chest clenches, she closes her eyes and tears form at the corner of her eyelids, saliva fills her mouth and the bitter taste in her tongue just seems to gets stronger when she opens her mouth and--

 

It all comes out.

 

With no other option but to hold her chest with the only hand that wasn’t holding onto the metal bars like her life depended on it, she feels the orchids leave her mouth like a waterfall, the softness of each petal touching her tongue giving just another impulse to her repulsed throat to make her chest bounce, and make her pull out another bunch of petals without warning. She can’t breathe. She doesn’t _let_ herself breathe. She’s afraid that, if she did, air would clash with the growing garden in her mouth, choking her and leaving her dead because of her own imprudence rather than the inevitability of nature. So she forces herself to bear it—to listen to the horrible sounds of her throat taking out all of that flower inside of her, hoping that the orchids would leave her alone after it’s done, that the disgusting taste of pollen spreading in her mouth doesn’t leave on the ground coughing, spitting, making her poor throat more destroyed than it already is.

 

Her ears are plugged, her head hurts and throbs in pain, and yet she opens her eyes to see the last petals fall from her lips, drops of saliva dripping down to her chin as pollen decorates their delicate fall to the flowing water. Tomoe notices the contrast between the small cherry petals scattered all over the river (which, if she weren’t sick down to her goddamn stomach because of those flowers, would really make her sigh), and the pile of faint red orchids scattered in that one specific place, where she decided to stop and throw up all of her misfortunes, and she thinks that perhaps she’s made her condemnation pretty much visible to anyone that passes by that very same river, and sees the particular red patch in that blanket of pink petals.

 

Her body can’t take anymore, her throat is feeling the roughest she’s felt it all day, she can barely breathe a little bit of air though her nose, and her legs wobble as she struggles to stand. How can she go back to the studio like _this,_ looking like…

 

"Tomoe!"

 

_No._

 

 _No, no, no, no._ She doesn’t want to believe her ears. _It can’t be. Not now, not…_

 

Her head shoots to look at her side and _goddamnit_ \-- Why didn’t she stay right where everyone was? Why couldn’t they just go on without her? Why did she have to come chasing after her? Why does it have to be now that she has to see her like this? Why _now_?

 

It almost feels like déjà vu, seeing Ran completely frozen, eyes frightened at the sight before her, and Tomoe swears she’s never felt so self-conscious, so ashamed of herself, of the orchids that had just come out of her, of what she once thought to make herself believe she could handle it alone, of what she’d ever once thought and felt, for the girl staring at her so afraid.

 

The seconds of absolute silence seems like an eternity, and the crash of the waves of the river streaming beneath of them really tempts her tears to come out, and just then, she feels the overwhelming desire to simply _die_ , right there, at that very same moment—the guilt twisting her heart knots is too much to handle, the weight of knowing it all ends like this is just too much to handle.

 

Ran’s lip trembles, like looking for words to say, and as she opens her mouth, Tomoe shivers.

 

"…Hanahaki…?"

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Ran had told her to stay there—sitting under a tree far away from plain sight, where nobody but her when she came back could see the miserable state she’s in right now. Tomoe doesn’t blame her; If she were to look at her right now, she’d probably feel ashamed too.

 

She sighs (or she tries at least, the most she can do without flowers getting in the way). She really is useless.

 

The sourness refuses to leave her tongue, her body is weak and her throat is frail and it’s like the sensation of throwing up is still haunting her stomach; a ghost-like sensation that just seems to get her sicker than she already is, even after spitting out half a bush of those flowers out of her lungs (only to grow back, apparently). Tomoe knows blaming herself would just make things worse for herself, but _this_ … this is all her fault.

 

It was her who fell for Ran. It was her who decided to acknowledge those butterflies in her stomach. It was her who planted those flowers in her chest. It was her who thought it’d be a good idea to hide it, hide the fact that she suffered from a terminal illness, of all things. It was her and only her that had forced herself to continue with practice, despite knowing better than anyone she couldn’t. She was an idiot, a real piece of _shit_ this entire time, and she knows it’s nothing but her fault. She’s made it end like this _—_ waiting for Ran, who had absolutely nothing to do with it, other than the fact that she’s the reason those orchids were there on the first place, to come and take charge like she was an irresponsible child. It’s humiliating.

 

(And yet, her heart still beams in joy at the single thought of her. It’s so funny it almost hurts.)

 

She straightens up when she hears steps running towards her, and when she looks up to see Ran running with a water bottle and a towel in her hands, her heart beats in a way that’s supposed to feel exciting, that’s supposed to steal a smile from her face, but now just seems cruel. Why didn’t she leave her there, being miserable? Why is she going through the trouble of cleaning after her own mistakes?

 

She stops in front of her, crouching down and cracking the bottle open, holding it out for Tomoe to take. "Here."

 

Her arm’s stiff, but she forces herself to reach out, taking the bottle into her hands. "Thanks."

 

(She says that, because probably telling her _no, it’s okay_ would only make Ran even angrier at her, and Tomoe at herself too.)

 

She drinks a good amount (albeit, with much effort), and hands the bottle back to Ran, the sour taste blissfully leaving her mouth. Ran takes the bottle into her hand, pouring a bit of water into the towel before she comes closer and…

 

_Shit._

 

As soon as she feels the wet cloth press against her cheek, her heart starts to flutter, blood comes rushing to her cheeks and, surprise surprise, the orchids grow back. She closes her eyes, trying to pretend she wasn’t suddenly a nervous mess while Ran cleans around her mouth with an almost mother-like tenderness, making her sigh tremblingly at the butterflies fluttering restlessly in her stomach. For the first time all day she feels more _thingies_ than flowers, and for a moment she’s surprised, before Ran pulls the towel away from her face and Tomoe opens her eyes.

 

But the thingies don’t seem to last long. Not when she sees blood dissolved into the wet towel—a dead brown that contrasts sickeningly with the soft-colored fabric, and maybe that was the last straw for Tomoe to convince herself that she was a complete, utter idiot. So it’s not just flowers that came out of her mouth so relentlessly, but _blood_ as well?

 

Ran folds the cloth, hiding the hideous color, and she doesn’t get too much time to hate herself when she pours a water into it again, bringing it closer to her face as she instinctively closes her eyes once more. Feeling the wet fabric press tenderly against her face one more time, she leans slightly into the touch, hoping the gentle sensation washes over her, making her forget—of the flowers slowly but willingly killing her, of all the stupid things she had done up this moment, of whatever she had once felt for that girl right there with her, passing that towel so gently over her face, and let herself simply exist.

 

Feel the wetness of the soft fabric pleasantly press to her cheek, to her forehead and neck, and let the drops fall over it as calm spreads through her, knowing it’s her; Ran, who is doing all of it. Making her feel like they were the only people in the world, with a softness that she rarely ever shows, running the towel through her face and…

 

_No._

 

She doesn’t deserve her. She doesn’t deserve having her there, taking care of her, of her recklessness, and not say a thing even though she knows she had failed her, that she had made an empty promise and yet, she’s still there. By her side.

But Ran moves the towel away before her thoughts ate her alive, and their eyes meet. Those cerise eyes that may or may not remind Tomoe of the drowning nausea she felt at that moment, and how beautifully they’re colored—in the hours that she could spend lost in her gaze and wouldn’t get tired of it one bit. She sees her frown, and something inside Tomoe just cracks before Ran breaks eye contact and stares down to her lap, black hair (and a red bit of it) covering her face like curtains.

 

"I’m an idiot."

 

Even in the lowest voice Ran can put, she could still hear her words, and Tomoe never had hated herself so much. Was she blaming herself? Great. Exactly the one thing missing in the emotional mess her mind is right now, giving her one more reason to confirm herself all of it, is entirely her fault.

 

"Why the hell did I trust you…?"

 

_Oh._

 

Tomoe sighs. Like it made any difference.

 

She frowns, her chest aching as she sees Ran tremble, gulping behind her covered face. She hears her take a deep, shaking breath, and her heart is prepared for anything that could possibly break it; whatever she was going to say, she could handle it—maybe because she had made herself believe she also deserved it. "You have the guts to tell us you’ll be okay, then I come here and find you like this, throwing up _flowers_?"

 

Her chest shrinks even more, and Tomoe _knows_ , she knows better than anyone she deserved those harsh words running over her, but there’s something that can’t simply let her be silent, letting Ran’s sharp words strike through her heart like darts. "Ran, I…!"

 

"You’re…!" Ran raises her voice, her voice cracking right at the end, and as soon as Tomoe sees her break down, crumbling right in front of her without ever facing her, she lets the words die in her tongue. Ran brings her hands to her face, body trembling as she lets quiet sobs leave her mouth. "You are _the worst_ , Tomoe…"

 

She falls silent.

 

Body still, an authentic witness of Ran falling apart in front of her, trying to drown tears and whimpers that feel like spears hitting her chest as soon as Tomoe hears them escape her mouth. Like a demon whispering poison in her ear, fuel to her subconscious telling her she’s truly useless—looking at Ran; her childhood friend, her just-discovered crush, the girl raising those flowers in her lungs, like she was a complete _stranger_. She can’t approach her, to just hold her and apologize for all those things she did, for all of those things she knows ultimately didn’t help her nor anyone at all.

 

She frowns, closing her eyes as she throws her head against the trunk of the tree, overwhelming guilt making her sigh. She really _is_ the worst.

 

"Who are they for?" Ran then sounds a bit better, and the first thing she sees once she lowers back her head in unspoken surprise, is her—looking at her with such a sudden seriousness that leaves Tomoe’s mind completely blank, as if her face had completely stolen whatever attention she had on what she was saying.

 

"Huh?"

 

Ran lowers her head just slightly. Tomoe swears she can see a little bit of red on her cheeks. "The orchids," she says, the mere mention of that flower sending shivers down her spine. Her cheeks are suddenly burning at, well, what she had been trying to hide from Ran ever since she knew she was sick, come out of her tongue with such an ease that really only makes the heat go out of its way to not only burn her cheeks, but her entire face probably.

 

 "Eh? Ah-- Aah, the orchids, y-you say?" She tries to get something, anything out of her mouth to at least give her an answer, but finds herself speechless after realizing that it’s the literal flower coming out of her lungs that should already tell her who that is, and it’s just then, when she’s right there in front of her, that she realizes just how fucking obvious it is. "I-I wonder who! Man, I’ve got no idea…!"

 

But she knows Ran isn’t stupid.

 

Cerise eyes turn back to look at her with the same severity as before, maybe even stronger. "Red orchids," she emphasizes, and oh how tempting it is for Tomoe to just dig her grave right there and then. "They symbolize love, particularly the more passionate side of it," The straight face in which she says all of it leaves Tomoe even more dumbfounded, and it doesn’t really help that she’s feeling her gaze look through her very soul. But before she could even turn into a full-blown flustered mess, Ran looks away, putting a red lock of hair behind her ear, pretending she probably wasn’t as red as her at that moment. "It… must be someone pretty special to you, if it’s that kind of flower."

 

Tomoe, while speechless, can really only find the meaning of those flowers ironic. _‘The more passionate side of it’_ really didn’t sound like her staring at her like an outright idiot, like her vocal chords had become obsolete all of the sudden.

 

But God, she _is_ —she really is special. It’s her, after all; Mitake Ran, the very orchid that stole her heart.

 

Tomoe smiles. "Ran, you really know a lot about that kinda stuff, huh?"

 

The red in her cheeks spread across her face in a rather amusing way. "I-- Of course I’d know!" She crosses her arms and Tomoe tries her best to hold back a giggle, failing in the attempt. "My last name isn’t Mitake just _because_ , you know?" Her laughter can’t help but get stronger, drawing Ran’s attention and earning herself a dirty look. "W-What are you laughing at?"

 

Tomoe tries to control herself, grabbing Ran’s shoulder as she tries her best to subside her laugh. "Nothing, nothing! You just looked so funny…"

 

Her chest contracts, and before she could even react, she coughs, ceasing all laughter at once, reality slapping away the happy atmosphere. A single petal falls between her and Ran, resting onto their knees pressed together, and the sudden silence leaves her sighing, focusing her attention on that petal—cursing her since the very first time she breathed a mouthful of air in the entire day.

 

But her laughter still bounces in her ears, and her chest flutters as she remembers her blushing face, her flustered voice and the closeness of the moment, like the childhood friends they were supposed to be, if not for her hormones making her fall for Ran, of all people.

 

Her throat seems to move on its own at that moment. "Hey, Ran?"

 

Ran looks up, and she tightens the grip in her shoulder slightly. "What is it?"

 

Tomoe slides her hands to her forearm, stroking it with her thumb. She takes a deep breath, _here goes nothing_. "If I told you those orchids were for you, would it be weird?"

 

Pretending like her body didn’t jolt up at the saying of those words, she dares to look up, no doubt meeting with the other’s hot-red face, wide eyes and mouth half open. "H-Huh…?" And for a moment Tomoe wants to flee once again, abandon any minimal progress she’d made in facing her problems upfront, and maybe just rely on that so-called date Himari and Moca had very well planned for both, or, even more conveniently, to take the procedure and look like an utter coward to the eyes of love (and perhaps Ran’s, if it isn’t obvious enough that’s her who has her like that). But she stays there, unflinching as she waits for her answer. "W-Well," she mumbles, and Tomoe tries her best to calm down the butterflies fluttering relentlessly in her stomach. "I… I suppose the orchids would make sense, if that were the case…"

 

Her words get quieter as she says them, lowering her head once again. Tomoe feels a smile sneak into her mouth. "I see."

 

The orchids in her chest are unmoving—they’re far away from her throat, and she suddenly feels like she can do it. She can get those flowers off her, and even if that’s not the case, she can let Ran know how she feels, and leave the whole thing behind for once and for all. Her heart pounds like it’s coming out of her chest, and each beat it gives is like a pat to her back, giving her courage as she forms the words in her head, and in a breath, they’re out of her mouth.

 

"I like you, Ran."

 

Tomoe closes her eyes. She did it.

 

…She did it.

 

It all felt… too quick. She would’ve imagined a confession would be dramatic, romantic, full of emotions, but she’d never really thought it’d be as easy as simply pronouncing those words. She realizes she might’ve been in the wrong for thinking love was something throbbing, exciting, when she could’ve said those short, brief three words and still have that same feeling in her chest.

 

Ran jerks her head slightly to look at her. "Eh?"

 

And at that moment, Tomoe didn’t even care if she returned her feelings or not. She told her—she confessed. What’s worth more than that? She opens her eyes and lets her grip on Ran go, scratching at her nape without really knowing what else to say. "I… thought it’d be obvious enough with the fact that I’m literally coughing _you_ but, y’know."

 

She laughs. It's a weak one, but she still does. It’s ironic, worrying for something as silly as telling her that she likes her, that she has her chest aching, her stomach twisting and her lungs breathless, that she almost made Tsugumi send her home because it turned out to be a terminal illness, that she made Himari and Moca plan out an entire date just so that she’d reciprocate, so that she wouldn’t have to go and potentially die in a surgery that, with it, would have her forgetting the fact that she had once felt that, that she had once done so many stupid things for her, so she wouldn’t die to the stems of an orchid.

 

The silence that follows afterwards however, makes her realize. Was it ever simple? Maybe feeling that in the first place was already something complicated, for someone as stubborn and foreign to the whole thing as her, making her doubt of even something as simple as saying ‘I like you’. Perhaps…

 

She looks at Ran, red to the tips of her ears and opening her mouth to then close it back, words struggling to come out of her mouth.

 

Tomoe sighs. Perhaps she’s the one making it all more complicated than it’s supposed to be.

 

"I’m… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry," she can still feel Ran stare at her, dumfounded, and Tomoe feels the rush to say something, fearing she might’ve left Ran mute for what was left of her entire life. "I-It mustn’t be nice to have someone confess to you all of the sudden, huh?" She tries to laugh again, but silence prevails once again, defeated as she sighs. "I’m really sorr--"

 

And before she could even think of a strategy to run away from her problems once again, she feels tight arms loop around her neck, short hair brush against her cheek, and her face heating up as soon as she sees Ran wasn’t in front of her anymore, but embracing her with such a firmness that leaves Tomoe breathing short—not because her arms were wrapped around her so tightly, but because her heart seems to run another marathon on the spot so suddenly. "Idiot," she whispers so close to her ear, tears in her voice, almost sobbing. _Why weren’t the orchids killing her now?_ "Had I known it would be that easy…" She remains still, like a living statue, not allowing herself even the smallest breath of air. Her heart rate only seems to get dangerously faster when Ran tightens her embrace even more, and feeling her tremble in her chest, she can only prepare herself mentally. "I love you."

 

She wasn’t mentally prepared for that at all.

 

Staring into space as if someone had played her a really tasteless joke, Tomoe can only laugh. Even if her chest couldn’t give anymore, even if there’s seemingly nothing to laugh at, even if Ran is really trying her best to get those flowers off from her (because, she doesn’t think hearing an ‘I love you’ back cures it altogether, much less that Ran is saying it seriously and she _actually_ feels the same), she laughs. A laugh that sounds so wrong with the pained look in her face. "I wish it was that easy, too…"

 

It doesn’t last long, stopping herself short when Ran pulls away, grabbing Tomoe by her shoulders and only then Tomoe can see her frustration, like outright telling her the jerk she _still_ insists on being with just the look on her face. "I mean it, dumbass!" she spits out, managing to close Tomoe’s lips with a zip. She notices her eyes gleam, in a way that twists her stomach mercilessly. She hates herself (for maybe the fifth time in the day), reprimanding herself even more for ever distrusting Ran, her rarely seen openness, and the words that were just too good to be real, even now. Ran lowers her head again, from her mouth coming out words so quiet, like made only and solely for her to hear. "I… I like you, too."

 

And yet, even if the hope that her words were pure, genuine, bloomed into her chest like those orchids had once done—that Ran, maybe out of a miracle, out of pure coincidence, or maybe because that’s just how she felt, loved her too, her heart insists on keeping itself blind, on wanting to cover her hears when Ran even remotely put a bit of her heart out in the open. Still looking at her in the eye, completely stunned, confused, and still struggling against her stubbornness, Tomoe tries to get something, anything out of her mouth. "W-What?"

 

Ran remains unmoving, but the grip on her shoulder tightens. "I wasn’t thinking of telling you, but…" Her words get lost in the air, dying at the tip of her tongue before she could even form a proper sentence. Her heart refuses to believe anything—it was all too genuine, too _Ran_ for her to be possibly lying. She sighs, looking away, avoiding her gaze like it was too much. "I meant that, if curing you from Hanahaki was as easy as simply daring to tell you the truth…" She leans in, resting her head on her shoulder and Tomoe feels her heart pounding on her throat once again, throbbing like it’s pushing out of her. Ran whispers gently, vulnerable; Tomoe doesn’t know if she can take it. "…I would’ve done it long ago. "

 

Her heart beats, then stops, then works again.

 

Without even noticing, nothing around her seems to be there; her eyes don’t catch anyone, her ears hear no one and suddenly it’s like the only ones in the world were them. The sensation of their bodies leaning toward each other, the warmth of their sole presence and the beat of their hearts echoing in her eardrums—soothing, taken out of a dream, they’re the only things for her right now. Like nothing is covering her ears, like untying the blindfold over her eyes, like if for the first time in hours she feels like she’s actually _there_ , in her skin, she realizes it’s true. _Ran loves her._

 

She remembers the orchids, but she doesn’t feel how they squeeze her lungs until there’s no space left for her to breathe, she doesn’t feel how they clog up in her throat, getting the overwhelming urge to cough them up until there’s not a bit of strength left in her bones, she doesn’t feel how they sickeningly dance around her stomach as if to put her on her knees, she doesn’t think of how slowly they’re killing her. Rather, she feels how the petals sitting in her throat shrink, wrinkle and dissolve, how the stems return to their roots and her lungs receive the very first mouthful of air she’s had in hours. Oxygen enters her nostrils and her body actually takes it in without effort, without her chest suddenly tensing up for a coughing fit, without petals rushing up to her throat like she was going to throw them up. Fresh air fills her, and she feels relieved, like before— _just like always._

 

_She can breathe._

Or, well, she _can_ properly for a few seconds before the drowning lump in her throat, her trembling chest and her blurry eyes take away her moment of peace.

 

She blinks, tears fall quickly down her cheeks, and the warmth in her shoulder pulls away from her. She blinks again, tears meeting down her chin and she now clearly sees Ran, worried, cleaning the river going down her face with her thumb. Tomoe feels her chest warm up, and a stupid smile sneaking onto her face.

 

"T-Tomoe…?"

 

She shakes her head, bringing her hand up to Ran’s on her cheek and leaving it there. "N-No, it’s… It’s just…" She sniffs, wiping her nose with her other hand. "It’s like a breath of fresh air, y’know…?"

 

Ran smiles at her and Tomoe _knows_ she’s got to smile too, share that happiness that those flowers finally left her alone, but her smile twists and, now complementing those tears falling down to her chin, she cries. She lets herself frown, close her eyes and throw herself at Ran, holding her as tightly as she can—like she was going to fall down if it wasn’t the case, letting loud cries leave her mouth as Ran wraps her arms around her, patting her back.

 

And even then, crying as if there were no tomorrow…

 

Tomoe never felt so happy.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Himari takes a few steps forward, walking in front of them with a face that doesn’t bother hide her curiosity at all. "So… Are you gonna tell us what happened now?"

 

Ran shakes her head for maybe the tenth time since they were out of the studio, walking past Himari and gripping the strap of her case stronger as she does. Himari pouts, and it doesn’t escape Tomoe’s glance before she’s left behind, making her laugh.

 

"With how secretive you guys are, it’s making me think it really was _something_ ~," Moca steps forward and she’s soon looking back at them. Himari follows, and the mischievous smiles on both of their faces is already making Ran grunt. "Did you guys kiss or something? Or maybe, was it a bit more… _intimate_ ~?"

 

Tomoe doesn’t know what made her heart jump almost out of her chest at that moment—that obligatory cheeky comment of Moca’s, or how Ran grabs her wrist to drag her along with her as she pushes herself through the duo, with a dangerously fast pace getting them as far away as she can. "We didn’t do any of that!"

 

As she hears Moca’s ‘Eeh~?’ in the distance, Tomoe knows she doesn’t have any right to laugh, because her reddened face might as well be about the same level as Ran’s right now.

 

Tsugumi laughs (possibly the only one legally allowed to laugh at something like this). "Either way, I’m glad it all turned out alright!"

 

For a moment she agrees, but the sniffles behind her stop her short, making Ran let go of her hand as she turns around to see Himari crying, snot and all. "U-Uuu~, Tomoee…!" she whimpers, and Tomoe rolls her eyes before she walks closer to Himari to take her into her arms, feeling her nose stick to her arm before blowing it mercilessly against her jacket (one on each sleeve, how nice). But she can’t blame her, especially not after seeing the look on her face with which she looks at her again. She was worried, after all. "I… I was so, so scared…!"

 

Ran sighs, walking closer to the scene but limiting herself to watch as Himari looked back at her with those teary eyes. "We’re alright, Himari. No need to cry."

 

"Well, Hii-chan’s got the right to, don’t you think?" Moca steps in, making Himari pull away and before she could even make her regret whatever she was going to say, Tomoe notices she isn’t wearing that _one_ face she puts when she’s about to make a joke or something of the like. Rather, she looks at her and Ran with a smile on her face, and it looks like not even her is prepared for whatever’s coming out of her mouth. "Neither of you know how to handle your feelings head-on, anything could have happened."

 

Ah.

 

_Goddamnit, Moca…_

 

Moca’s (rarely seen) wise words leave both of them speechless, and she knows she can’t get mad at her—she knows behind that ever-present pride, it’s true, and really, that only shows when she looks away and awkwardly clears her throat to at least give her that credit. Ran is probably doing so as well.

 

"I mean… She’s not wrong," Tsugumi adds, surely not meaning any harm, but not failing in wiping away whatever little honor left they had.

 

But Ran speaks up before her pride ends up completely obsolete by the time someone else decides to say something. "I-In any case…!" Her tone is firm, and her hands on her hips should give her credibility, but the stubborn flush on her face is telling her otherwise. Tomoe assumes it’s the same for her. "We talked about it, we worked it out, and Tomoe doesn’t need to do anything else. Happy now?" She turns to leave, and it’s a smart move on her part because Moca won’t seem to give up, not until one of them tell exactly what had happened there, blow by blow. She should probably go with her too, before they went after her…

 

"Oh, but that’s just Ran’s version," Moca and Himari are in front of them both once again, and she realizes there’s no turning back when they’re already looking back her with that persistency to just _know_. "Tell us, Tomo-chin, how was the experience~?"

 

Ran rolls her eyes once again, and Tomoe wants to do the same, but her mind seems to get lost again—as she remembers that fear swallowing her whole, the horrible feeling of guilt taking over her when Ran cleaned after her own disasters, the river falling down her eyes when she knew the truth, the orchids withering inside of her and finally leaving her at peace, that first mouthful of air, so refreshing, so relieving and (she’s just realized), the sunset that only then she got to see, watching over them once more.

 

It all happened a bit too fast.

 

But Tomoe wouldn’t want it any other way.

 

The duo’s eyes are still on her, and she remembers that even remotely giving them an idea of what had actually happened there would give her a free pass to endless teasing from Moca (possibly Himari too), and just to go with it, a bruise on her arm, courtesy of (her girlfriend?) Ran. "Hm…" _Well_ , she smiles. That’s another memory with the sunset now—maybe something like that will do. "Let’s just say I got another story to go with the sunset, yeah?"

 

"Eh?" Himari’s confusion gets just slightly worse, and Tomoe can only roll her eyes back. "That only makes me even more curious!"

 

The mocking look on the other’s face doesn’t go missing. "I think Tomo-chin just confirmed there _was_ a kiss indeed~."

 

"You think so?" By the time she’s realized, Himari and Moca are already three steps forward, making theories of whether they did or not do something interesting as Tsugumi tries to join in, and she hears Ran sigh once again.

 

"Jeez," She grabs the strap of her case, shuffling it behind her back. Tomoe laughs, softly and most importantly, by her side. "I’m seriously not telling them anything anytime soon."

 

"But, hey," the back of their hands brush, and Tomoe, even if the ghost of those flowers were about to make her do otherwise, dares take her hand, and she sees Ran frown disappear from her face as she intertwines their fingers together, meeting with her eyes once she lifts her head to look at her. Tomoe almost forgets what she was going to say when she’s already daydreaming into her gaze, but she doesn’t ever try to break eye contact. "I’m glad."

 

Ran doesn’t seem wanting to break eye contact either, but soon enough her eyes are back on the ground. She doesn’t miss the faint red in her cheeks, nor the brief giggle that escapes her mouth, neither that smile that she oh so gladly gets to see unfold on her face, and she’s really trying her best to drown down any urge she’s got to tell her how much she loves her, to steal her a kiss just to see her reaction, or to simply embrace her and know she’s there—that right in front of her is the proof that those orchids didn’t see her crumble down, that she can breathe, that she’s _alive_.

 

Tomoe feels content just to smile back, and the next breath she gives can’t make her any happier.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is officialy the longest shit i've written and no i do not regret it one bit
> 
> consider tmrn good night


End file.
